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lessons learned

it is a gorgeous night here in north east ohio. there is a great breeze moving through the house. there is one load of clothes in the dryer. one in the washer. the dishwasher is full, but the dishes are clean and dry. the sink is empty. i am showered. my three children are sleeping. and it's only 9:20pm.

i just wrote about not having time to blog and now i have plenty. we had a good day today, not that we have had any bad ones. but today was very good. we went to the park. my aunt shannon visited. we played in the backyard as a family.

it will be a month this saturday since the kids moved in. one month. wow. and i think i have already learned some valuable lessons.

1. this isn't easy.
in fact, it's very hard. i didn't expect it to be easy, and now i realize i really didn't know what to expect. i am tired all of the time. my mother-in-law says this will last until all of the kids have moved out. well, i only have to wait for 17 more years to feel rested. no problem. and in being tired, i get frustrated easily. especially in the morning. juggling three kids and a dog and three baby gates and a husband leaving for work and dishes and laundry, etc., can be very frustrating. i think i am getting better with this. i know i am. that's partly why we had such a good day today.

2. getting out of the house is a very good thing.
even if we only make it to the backyard for 20 minutes, it's something. we all need a change of pace, a little break from the norm. our new swingset from josh's aunt and uncle has helped a great deal. our local park a block and a half away has helped a great deal. yesterday we left the house just to drive to the post office to mail one letter and drop off one bill. after a little driving around i turned a 15 minute trip into an hour. and i loved it!

3. take advantage of free things.
our local park has a free program for kids ages 3-6 every tuesday and thursday morning for an hour. they do crafts, story time, singing, dancing. then we stay and play for another half an hour before heading home for lunch. our park also has a free wading pool that is open all day every day all summer long. you better believe we'll be there, probably multiple times a week. and every tuesday night, josh plays soccer in our church league. it's not free, but the soccer clinic for kids is. our daughter has been enjoying this time very much. the boys and i love to watch daddy and sis play.

4. take time for yourself, and your spouse if you are married.
josh and i haven't had a hard time maintaining our relationship, but we can do better. we are going on a date tomorrow night. a young marrieds social at our church. josh's parents are baby-sitting. i asked josh's mom if she'd consider trying to put the kids to bed if the social goes until past bed time. she assumed they would put them to bed and josh and i could go out on our own after the social. a real date! she suggested we go to barnes & noble, which we love to do. i wondered if maybe we should just drive to barnes & noble and make out in the parking lot for awhile. (sorry if that is offensive)

5. recognize what you have in your spouse.
i could never do this alone. i repeat, i could NEVER do this alone. i can't wait for josh to get home at night to help me out with the kids. but more than that, i can't wait to see him with the kids. he's so good at it. he's so silly and playful and father-like. in a good father kind of way. the way my dad was. he meant business, but he was like a giant monkey. and josh doesn't mind changing diapers or switching laundry or eating leftovers. and he hasn't complained on days when he comes home and i look frumpy.

6. recognize what you have in your children.
a gift beyond any that i can comprehend. the only thing harder for me to grasp is the death and resurrection of my Savior Jesus for someone like me. there are moments that i look at my children and i am in complete awe of their beauty. they are so gentle and sweet and funny and cute. three bundles of joy all rolled into one sibling group. and they are taking to us so quickly. we really are mommy and daddy to them. they are looking up to us, copying us, picking out what they like that we do and wanting us to do it again. they get excited to see us and sad when we leave them. even if i run out to the van for something, they stand eagerly awaiting my return. and there is such a loud, joyous shout when josh pulls in the driveway at the end of the day. "daddy, daddy!", they yell.

7. don't wish your time away.
though things are hard at times, and things will get easier as the kids age, i don't want my time with my kids to pass too quickly. the baby is already 16 months old. next year he'll be so much different, so much more independent. there are days that he just wants held so much, even if he's just fine. i get frustrated, and then i remind myself that someday he won't want to be held anymore. and, he wants me to hold him. i was a complete stranger to him a couple of months ago, but i am the only mom he'll ever know. whoa.

it's now 9:50pm. i could go to bed early tonight if i wanted. but, i don't. i am not much of a TV buff, but i think i might veg out for awhile with a snack and the television. and i need to fold the laundry, and empty the dishwasher.

still not ready to post the kids faces, but here are some other shots.

earplugs from my aunt shannon.

aspirin from my aunt shannon. and our daughter's new coloring book, also from aunt shannon.

she sleeps. our daughter has fallen asleep on the couch two times since she moved in. she took a rest on the couch every day at her foster home, but i haven't asked her to do that yet. so the times she has rested and fallen asleep on her own have been kind of special.

playing in the backyard with daddy.

our baby watching daddy play soccer.

our daughter at her soccer clinic. she's the one in the pink.

our daughter and middle son at the park program.

oh yeah, and mommy got a new toy today. the green one, in honor of gitgan green.

lack of inspiration

yeah right! i am on inspiration overload.

my real problem, lack of time.

i've had a new post in the works for a couple of weeks now, but by the time night rolls around and i have some 'free' time, i am too tired to blog.

sad, isn't it?

or great, because i am tired because i have three very healthy and active children who keep me on my toes all day long.

it's not easy and i get frustrated. but i am grateful!

i'll fill you in in a few days. i hope.

there's a first time for everything

and one of mine came today.

i was peed on by my baby.

sounds gross to say it that way, but how else do you phrase it?

besides, it is gross.

all those years of baby-sitting and being a nanny and i never had that happen.

i get my own kids and a few days later, one of them lets loose.

thanks little guy.

i guess my time has been coming.

on being a mom last night and this morning

i got in the shower last night at 11pm. i have found it's easier to take a shower at night while the children are sleeping vs. trying to juggle three children, a dog, breakfast, and a husband getting ready for work. while finishing showering, josh knocked on the door and peeked his head in. he was holding our daughter who had obviously been crying. i told them i was just getting ready to get out of the shower and he closed the door. i called for him asking if she had to go potty. she did. i wrapped myself in my towel so she could come in.

she was very upset. she had woken up needing 'to go pee', but daddy didn't hear her on the monitor and mommy didn't hear her because i was in the shower. once daddy finally heard her, she was into full-blown crying mode. poor little thing.

after she went potty, daddy came to carry her back to bed and tuck her in. then daddy came back to the bathroom to tell me that our daughter needed to talk with me for a minute. i threw on my jammies and knelt down by her bed. she said she was thinking about her foster mom. when i asked her what she was thinking she said, "i just remember." i asked her if she was just remembering living there and being with her foster mom and she said yes. i told her those were good things to think about because her foster mom is a great lady who loves her very much.

i asked her if she was thinking about anything else. she said, "a question." i asked her if she had a question for mommy and she said she did. she wondered if she could have her curtains opened a little so she could look out the window. i opened them and we looked up at the stars. i asked her if she knew who made those stars and she said Jesus. i asked her if she knew that He made families and little beautiful baby girls for daddy and mommy(josh & i) to love. i asked her if she knew that He made two beautiful baby boys for mommy and daddy to love. she said she did and that she remembered when our youngest one was a new baby and she went to meet him at the hospital. i couldn't believe she remembering. she was only 3 and a half at that point, but it was only a year ago.

i told her i love her and i gave her lots of kisses. i also told her that mommy likes it when she talks to me and tells me the things she's thinking about. i also told her that i don't ever want her to be scared to tell me anything. she smiled and gave me kisses too.

priceless.

our baby was the first one up this morning. he slept until 7am. whoo hoo! i got up to get him and i brought him into bed with me. he just sat on my tummy and looked around and 'talked'. after josh let the dog out he got back into bed too. the baby layed down and josh put his arm over the baby's tummy. the baby gently rubbed josh's arm.

priceless.

our middle son was the last to wake up. he slept until about 7:30am. josh went up to get him. he was on top of all of his covers and totally soaked. josh changed his diaper and got him dressed. i went up and grabbed his sheets.

priceless.

well, not really. i could stand to have no more bedwetting. and someday i will. and how much have i had since the kids moved in?

our daughter--1 time
our middle son--2 times
our baby--1 time

how many nights have they been here?--11

not too bad i guess.

and a very small price to pay for the fun we've been having and the love we feel. the fun we've had with the kids and the fun we've had together. the love we feel for the kids and the love we feel for eachother. having the kids here really has brought more love into our home. more consideration. more kindness. more gentleness.

week in review update

i sincerely apologize for mixing up some of our days last week. going to the park, daddy mowing, and uncle ben stopping by happened on wednesday. i also sincerely apologize for leaving out a very special evening we shared with some very special friends.

thursday night our good friends donny and jennifer came over. they brought us dinner, dessert, and some really fun gifts for the kids.

this was their second time seeing the kids in person. we weren't sure if the kids would be friendly or shy, but by the end of the night, it seemed as if they had known donny and jennifer forever. we played, acted silly, really enjoyed just being together.

thanks donny and jennifer. you guys are the greatest!

maybe we could meet at a park sometime to play soccer and jump stick!

on being a mother, for one week

well, i am blogging so that means i have survived. to review how things have been going, let me take you back a few days.

here is a picture of josh and i on our final night out as 'just us'.



we had a really great time at dinner, and afterward. i got a little teary eyed a few times and i think josh did too.
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i also wanted to share a few pictures of our new closet. it's still not totally finished, but my clothes are hanging in there now so the kids rooms are almost all their own.




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and here is our living room the morning before we brought the kids home.



somehow we managed to find a place for everything. and amazingly after one week, everything is still in its place. in fact, josh just commented to me that the house has been maintained better this week than it ever has. i have been telling him for years that once i got to be home full-time, things would be much different. turns out i was right.
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and now on to the kids and parenting and adjusting, etc. i know that's what you really want to hear about anyway.

over last weekend i was really questioning whether or not we were doing the right thing. we didn't pick up the kids until 4pm saturday and so we weren't home until a little after 6pm. all we had time for that night was a little visiting with some friends and dinner. putting the two boys down for bed wasn't too easy. they were a little scared, and i think i was too. i didn't sleep that well, listening to every single little noise coming through the baby monitor. we were up a couple different times that night, comforting children. and we were up pretty early Sunday morning. our daughter woke up at 6:30, needing to go potty, and she wanted to stay up. i was thinking, "remember, this is what you always wanted. you are supposed to be excited about being up this early with your child. and, it's mother's day."

the rest of the day was pretty easy. we managed to give both boys a nap and head over to uncle ben and aunt ashley's house for lunch with them and grammy and gramps(josh's brother and parents). the kids did really well. we ate a late lunch/early dinner of sloppy joe's, fruit salad, and chips. we also had brownie sundaes for dessert. thanks aunt ashley for feeding us! you are a very good cook!

i got a few mother's day cards and a couple of presents. josh's mom gave me a really nice devotional for mothers and josh got me some flip flops. i am sure this doesn't seem like a very good mother's day present, but it really is. i always buy really cheap shoes, especially flip flops. and josh always buys really nice shoes. his last forever and mine always fall apart. by the end of the summer, my feet are a mess, his are not. so, he finally decided to buy me some nice shoes. and, i told him not to get me anything for mother's day anyway. the kids are a huge gift, and we don't have the money for anything unnecessary right now.

after spending some time with the family, it was time to head off to church. this is one of the big things i had been waiting for. standing in church with my children that i had been praying for for so long, singing praises to my God who had ordained all of it. the kids were really well behaved. very quiet for little children. they took turns sitting with mommy and daddy, grammy and gramps, ben and ashley. mommy was a little overwhelmed at times during worship, feeling so grateful for all God has done in our lives. and after the service was over, the kids took turns visiting with our friends and running all over the sanctuary. our church is much bigger than the one they attended in foster care and they took full advantage of it.

bed time still wasn't easy this night, especially for the boys. and once we finally got them to sleep, i was really feeling like my life was so much better when i was on my own, only worrying about josh and myself. then i kept thinking, "how boring would that be? wanting to be a mother my whole life and then deciding to just live for me." and it also seems kind of selfish in my situation. God has clearly directed my path toward motherhood. could i deny the plans He has for me?

then monday morning hit and i was in my element. having a daily routine with children, doing breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, dishes, bath time, etc. is what i have been doing for the past three years. somehow in the midst of my doubting us following God's obvious Will, i found myself.
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we have had a really great week. it's been really rainy so we've stayed in most of the time, but the kids don't mind one bit. though they do ask about going to the park quite a bit!

monday morning the kids and i went to target. there were a few odds and ends i needed to pick up and i had some gift cards left over from my shower. the kids did great, stayed with me, helped me find things. we came home and had lunch and nap time and did our nightly routine when daddy came home from work. we took baths and washed hair and went to bed. i'll spare you the getting up in the middle of the night and jump into tuesday.

tuesday we were home all day. after dinner daddy had to leave for his soccer game. mommy and the kids really wanted to go, but it was cold and rainy. hopefully this tuesday the weather will be better. the kids think it's really neat that daddy plays soccer. they helped him get ready to go and when he came home they helped him take off his sweat bands and they talked to him about his game.

wednesday our social workers came over in the morning for their first home call since the kids moved in. they were very pleased with how things are going so far. our adoption worker commented that she was really excited when she walked in and saw how the kids have taken to me. when daddy came home it was finally not raining and we were able to walk to the park. the park however was soaked. there were huge puddles under the swings and the kids like to swing the best so we decided to just walk through the park and take a walk around the block. daddy had the two oldest kids in the wagon and i had the baby in the jog stroller with the dog on her leash. though we didn't get to stop and play, it was nice to be outside and the kids really enjoyed their wagon ride.

thursday morning i had to go to a meeting at our agency. they had to do another matching staffing since the kids are in permanent custody now. the matching staffing was just for us and the kids. i was really happy to be a part of it, to be able to share how i think things are going and how josh and i feel about the kids. the kids foster mom was able to baby-sit them for me. it was really nice for her to be able to see the kids so soon after they moved in with us. and i think it was good for the kids too. our middle son did cry when i left, and our daughter was pretty withdrawn for awhile. turns out she thought mommy might not come back. mommy called after the meeting and when the foster mom told her it was me and i'd be back to get her soon, she perked up. after daddy came home from work and we ate dinner, daddy went out to mow the lawn and uncle ben stopped by. the kids watched daddy out the window and then got all wound up with uncle ben. these are priceless moments.

friday, the kids and i spent most of the day at grammy and gramps(josh's parents). it was the first time they've had one on one time with the kids. usually there's been other relatives or friends around. grammy and gramps really enjoyed getting to know the kids better. mommy enjoyed getting a little rest while the baby napped and the two oldest kids played in gramps office. we ate lunch there, had a snack there, and spent some time playing. grammy had some blueberries for us. they were a big hit with the baby!

then on friday night papa(my dad) and aunt jackie(future SIL) and uncle ryan(my baby brother) stopped by to visit. the kids had a great time playing horsey with jackie and ryan. they were literally on the floor on all fours while the kids rode around on their backs. papa had a great time too, doing silly dances with the kids.
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today the baby woke up at 6:15am. he and mommy had a nice quiet breakfast together before the other little munchkins woke up. our daughter woke up at 7am and stood talking in the hallway outside of our bedroom door where josh was still sleeping. her talking woke him up and when he sat up and looked at her, she said, "why you still in bed?" i think it's going to take him awhile to get broken in to early morning father mode.

this afternoon we went to our local center of town for a kite festival. there weren't many people there and the kite festival consisted of little kids making kites that wouldn't fly. the big deal for us was that scooby doo was there. the kids love scooby! we got to give him hugs and take pictures with him. and then we just took a walk around town. our town is located near a river so we got to see some waterfalls and the fast moving river. the kids really enjoyed our time out.
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right now as i am blogging, josh and our daughter are playing pretend food/kitchen in the living room. the boys are napping. the dog is probably wishing she lived somewhere else. and speaking of the dog. the children were at first terrified of her, but now they are totally in love. they look for her when she leaves the room. they sit by her when she's sleeping. the baby reaches for her when he's sitting in his highchair. they love to pet her. they love to surround her and talk to her, kind of like in this picture. yes, i am finally ready to share a picture. here's our three little ones all cozying up to the dog.


oh, i got you a little on that one didn't i. sorry. i know you can't see their faces. i hope you are okay with that. i hope you are willing to keep reading until i am ready to show you their cute little faces. we are legally allowed to post their pictures on our blogs, but i am just still a little to afraid to do that. you never know who's lurking out there. so, for now you'll have enjoy this photo and just imagine the rest. they are very, very cute. trust me!

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all in all, i'd have to say we've had a pretty amazing week. i hesitate to call us the all-American family, but that's what it feels like, and looks like. we are young, 29 and 28, we have three kids, a labrador retriever, a red pick-up truck, a mini-van, a four bedroom colonial. daddy goes to work in the morning, mommy stays home. daddy comes home while mommy is finishing up dinner and he gets the kids all wound up. we eat dinner together, play together, get ready for bed together.

our family was formed in a different way than the typical all-American family, but it was formed beautifully. you know, our daughter was born two months after we were married. i know God had started orchestrating things way before then, but to think that her little life started right after ours began together. wow. and our baby was born last year, right when we were starting to figure out our infertility/adoption journey.

and now they are ours. and it feels so good. i have babies. three of them. i am a three baby mama. i look forward to sharing more of our new life with you soon.

mother's day

today we begin our first day as a family. everything went really well yesterday with picking up the kids. and last night went really well too. getting our middle one to sleep proved to be quite the challenge, but it finally happened. and, it only took about an hour. poor little guy.

everything is going well this morning too. the kids are bright eyed and bushy tailed. breakfast is over, playtime has begun, and it's only 8:15am. josh and i on the other hand are not bright eyed and bushy tailed, but we're making it. i think it will take us a few days to get used to this schedule. i am usually up this early, but in the past i could just sit and veg on the couch if i wanted to. those days are gone, at least for the next 17 or so years!

on a more serious, emotional note, i know this is a sensitive day. i know there are mother's who grieve the deaths of their children. i know there are mother's who grieve never being able to birth children. i know there are mother's grieving children they couldn't care for and who are now being raised by foster or adoptive mothers. i know there are women who want to be mother's and can't conceive or give birth. i know there are people who go into hiding on this day so they don't have to face this day.

i know last year i wondered if i'd ever celebrate mother's day as a mother. i know my heart ached while waiting to see when and how God's plan for motherhood for me would unfold. i know last year when our church celebrated all women on mother's day, i was able to stand up because i am a daughter and sister and wife. but, i was wishing i could stand because i was a mother.

this year, all of the prayers for a family have been answered. i have children. tonight at church i will be a mother, celebrating mother's day. and there i'll stand with my children, our first time at church together.

the whole time we were trying to get pregnant i would think, "if i got pregnant this month, i could tell my family this month, and it would be my grandma's birthday and what a great present to give her, to tell her she's going to have a great-grandchild." or, "if i got pregnant this month, i could tell my family this month, and it would be Christmas and what a great Christmas present for everyone." i was never looking at pregnancy in terms of God giving the gift to me, just me giving the gift of our child to someone else in our family.

just recently it hit me. God has been orchestrating this beautiful gift for me. He could have chosen any time for us to bring our children home, but He chose now. He chose mother's day.

i wonder how much it makes Him smile, seeing His plan come to fruition in my life. it makes me smile alot, knowing that out of all the paths He could have planned for me, He led me down this one.

thank You Lord for my children. help me to be a good mother to them.

happy mother's day.

our final day/night as josh & kirsten...

today is a busy day at our homestead. josh took the day off of work so he could finish up a new closet in our room. that way our kiddos can have their own closets! and we are doing some last minute organizing of toys, bath stuff, sippy cups, etc. we got so much stuff at our shower that i think i need to add a room on to our house just to hold it all. don't get me wrong, i am very, very grateful. but there's a lot of work involved in creating a place for all the new stuff.

i have never been a big fan of letting toys and other children's items overtake any room of one's home. unless of course you are lucky enough to have a playroom. so, i am trying to figure out what toys to keep in the living room for everyday play and what toys to store in the basement for rainy day play. the kids foster mom sent over a great fisher price barn that they had at her house. and we registered for and received a great fisher price noah's ark. i think these items will take up residency in the living room, at least for awhile.

i am going to organize all of their little people, cars, animals, etc. into separate small storage boxes. i got this idea from my former nanny boss. she's a brilliant organizer! this system works well because every like item goes together in one box. then when the kids want to play with the little animals, we get out the little animal box.

i think we'll keep a few toys in their rooms too. at least our daughters. she got a couple of sweet streets sets. these are so cute and affordable too. you can build a whole little village, or just have a few of the sets. i highly recommend these. and of course, her baby dolls, barbies, and girly stuffed animals will also be in her room. they are in a cute basket on the bottom shelf of her night stand.

in the midst of all of the organizing and thinking we are crazy for what's to come, we are going to take some time out to have a date tonight. we have decided to dine at one of our favorite little italian places, zeppes. we have some gift certificates for a really, really great and expensive place, but we figured we'll save those for another time and go some place we know we'll enjoy.

i am sure i will experience a wide range of emotions tonight. sadness of the ending of our 'just us' time and excitement for the beginning of our family. the emotions i hope to feel most though, are that of love for my husband. i couldn't do any of this without him. everytime i have felt like throwing in the towel, he has kept me going. everytime i have doubted my ability to take on motherhood of three overnight, he has spoken of his belief in me. everytime i have wondered if we should have sought infertility treatment before adopting, he has reminded me of all we have learned over the past two and a half years. everytime i have felt like i am in this on my own, he jumps in and reminds me he's right by my side, and that's where he'll stay.

so together we journey through this day of 'just us' into our tomorrow of mom, dad, and three children. i have a feeling it's going to be a great beginning to the next chapter in our lives.

a slight emotional breakdown

i am very excited about becoming a mom. it's been a lifetime desire. and it's taken the past two and a half years to get to this point. but last night as we climbed into bed, i felt sad. it really hit me for the first time that josh and i only have two nights left as just us. i cried, a lot. and josh held me and promised that while things will change, we'll still be us, just with kids.

we'll be married for five years this august and we've had a great time so far. i know we'll still be married after the kids come home, but things will change a little. now the only time we'll have just us will be when we go on a trip together or the kids sleep over at their grandparents house. and even then it won't be just us, it will be us on a trip with the kids at home, or us at home alone with the kids somewhere else.

none of this is bad. it's what we want. it's what we've always wanted. this is a very exciting time in our lives. but it's also a little sad. the story of us has been so good so far. now we are saying good-bye to our beginning chapters of marriage and our parenting chapters are beginnning. no matter how sad i may feel about josh and i no longer being just us, we enter this new phase of life with much joy and anticipation.

final visit

we had a great final visit with our kids tonight. we went to an indoor play/dinner place. they have video games, skee ball, etc. they also have this really great sliding board/tube/little tikes houses area for the younger kids. and, it's free! not dinner though, of course.

so, we ordered our food and went to play until it was ready. the kids had a great time climbing and sliding. and when they called for us to pick up our food, the kids were ready to eat. they all ate really well. chicken fingers, fries, applesauce and milk. josh and i had cheeseburgers and fries. after dinner, it was time for more playing. we played for about 45 minutes straight. we were all tired! we loaded in the van and traveled back to meet up with their foster mom.

tonight i surprisingly didn't feel overwhelmed. for the past few days our near future has been weighing heavily on me. but being with the kids tonight, i just felt full of love for them.

our final visit was only about two hours. that seems short until i think about the kids moving in on saturday. then we have a lifetime together.

when it rains, it pours

i can measure God's goodness and faithfulness throughout my entire life, but it seems that lately, He has been showering many blessings around me. we are four days away from bringing our children home. i am still overwhelmed. still scared. still excited. there are so many things i wanted to have done before the big move in, but i have realized there isn't enough time to do everything. some things will just have to wait.

this past week of my life has been very full. full of goodness and love and times that i will cherish forever. sara groves was in town last thursday night at hudson community chapel. i had known for some time that she was coming. i made plans with a friend to attend, and invited my mom and my mother-in-law. a couple of weeks before the show however, we all decided there was too much going on to spend the night out. it felt somewhat irresponsible in the light of bringing three children home to live with me in the matter of a week and a half. but, when thursday morning rolled around, i really felt the Lord telling me i needed to be at the concert. sara's music has played such a huge part in leading me to where i am today. God has really used her to speak to my life and i felt it would be a really good idea to have a night to worship the Lord through sara's music. i called my mom to let her know i was going and she offered to join me. we had an amazing time. sara was as she always is. very real, open, honest. we laughed, we cried. at the end of the evening, i was able to talk with sara, as i have had the privilege to do before. the last time i shared with her that josh and i had been on a journey through infertility and it was leading us toward adoption. this time, i was able to share with her that our adoption journey has lead us to three beautiful children. i cried, sara cried. she remembered meeting me before and she was so excited to see where we have arrived. i was able to share pictures of the kids with her and she took a couple of them with her, wanting to pray for josh and i, and our children. what a blessing!
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friday was my last day at work. my last day being a nanny. my last day of doing what i have been doing every day for the past three years of my life. it was a very hard day emotionally. i had some time alone in their home and i spent time in each of the children's rooms, just looking at their things, touching their clothes, their beds. i was sobbing. but, it was a much needed sob. i needed to be able to say good-bye to so many things in order to move on to my new role as mom. i am going to keep in touch with this family. we actually are going to start building a friendship with one another and our families, as opposed to an employer/employee relationship. i am very grateful.
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saturday, my mother-in-law threw a baby shower for me. i was a very overwhelming time, in a very good way. there were people from every phase of my life there. it made me feel so loved to see that so many people wanted to come to show me their love and support. we got so many gifts. people were so generous! we are now way more prepared to be parents of three. if you are reading this and you were there, thank you so much. words cannot express what having you there meant to me. and to mom(josh's mom), thank you for throwing the shower. what a beautiful time to spend with people who love us.
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saturday night, we had our second overnight visit with our kids. josh brought them home while i was at the shower. we spent the evening eating dinner with our families and enjoying watching the kids get wound up with uncle nathan and uncle ben. that's what uncles are for. right? the baby was very tired, so tired in fact that he didn't know whether to fall asleep or stay awake and cry. it took him awhile to get settled, but once we put him in his crib, he was asleep within two minutes. after the family left, we watched some scooby doo with the two oldest kids. they were able to unwind during the video and then we got them ready for bed. they brushed their teeth and climbed into bed with no problem. we said prayers and within about 5-10 minutes, they were both asleep. josh and i met downstairs at the dining room table. it was only 9:20pm! and, all the kids were asleep! we are hoping this was a taste of what's to come. we had time to sit and talk about the day. i shared with him who was there and some of the gifts we got. he spent some time working on his blog. i spent some time working on laundry. we were in bed by 11pm and all three kids slept all through the night! we did too!! we had them most of the day Sunday. we played at home and at the park. then we returned them to their foster mom. we'll see them tomorrow for a short visit and then saturday they'll move home.
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Sunday afternoon, my sister gave birth to her first child. i am now a proud aunt to a nephew, william henry. he's 7lbs, 20 inches long. he came a few weeks early, but mommy and will are doing very well. i was really hoping to be able to travel to NM to meet him shortly after his birth, but since our children are coming home in a few days, i won't be traveling anytime soon. my sister, her husband, and son will be in ohio in august, so i will likely meet him then. it feels like ages away, but i know it will come quickly. congratulations kimmie and peter. and welcome to the world little will. we love you so much already!
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so now i continue on in my last few days as me and as a wife. in a few days i'll add title of mother to that line-up. i already feel like a mother in my heart, but on saturday, i will take on that role.

tonight's visit...#7

well, there's not much to write about this time. our visit was only about two hours long and most of it was spent playing at mcdonald's. we had planned to go to a park and have a picnic, but today turned out to be a little chilly. and it rained most of the day so the park would have been soaked. what kid doesn't like mcdonald's though? and josh and i like it too. i know, some people think it's gross, but not us!

we met up with the kids at 6pm. at dinner they were so good about eating before we played. we actually didn't even need to talk about it. they sat right down and started eating. our middle son was giving us a little bit of a hard time about eating 'enough' before he could go play. once we set the guideline of 'one more bite' before playing, it took him awhile, but he finally followed through.

the kids had a blast climbing in the playplace. i took a stroll through myself. it's hard when you're an adult! it takes lots of energy, crouching, and hurting your knees before you make it to a slide and sail your way out. the kids really enjoyed me being in there with them so it was totally worth it. josh and the baby played on the 3 and under slide. i got some cute video of them together, maybe someday we can post it.

when it was time to leave, i called the kids to get their shoes on. they came right over and got ready to go. i am so thankful for this! when at mcdonald's you see so many kids throwing a fit when play time is over. i haven't had to deal with that with the kids i nanny, and not having to deal with it tonight made us really happy!

on our way back to meet up with foster mom, we sang some songs in the car. our daughter's favorite song is 'open the eyes of my heart Lord' so we gave it a go a couple of times. she and josh enjoyed clapping along to the music. so cute!

foster mom asked if the kids talked about us being their mommy and daddy. she was surprised when we told her no. she said they have been talking about it with her. our daughter asked her, "who will be the kids at your house when we go live at josh and kirsten's?" how precious is that! and foster mom told us their pastor prayed for us in church on Sunday. that means so much to us! these kids have been surrounded by love and prayer for a whole year now. it started before we even knew who they were. we are so grateful.

we have another overnight on saturday. keep our little ones in your prayers. i am sure it's kind of scary for them. we'll do our best to help them feel safe! until saturday...

can you say overwhelming?

i am a bit overwhelmed right now. have been for a few days. maybe even a few weeks actually. mentally, physically, and emotionally, i just feel drained. we have had so much going on. we're living in a whirlwind, and while it's very exciting, it will be nice when life settles down a little.

josh updated his blog. yes, he finally did. if you've not checked it out before, you should venture on over. he's a pretty funny guy. and learning a little more about him might help you understand why i am the way i am. ha!

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we had visits number 5 and 6 with the kids last week. tuesday night we met up with them for dinner and dessert. we dined at burger king. fancy, i know. but when you're dishing out money for five and you're used to doing so for only two, you must not splurge. the kids were great at dinner. they ate well and behaved well. our middle child is a loud talker, especially in public. we think he's just making sure we're paying attention to him and not only to the oldest child and the youngest. i am a middle child so i completely understand. i know it's not easy. i swear i will honor his birth order!

after dinner we took a ride in our van and sang some songs. we would have loved to go to a park to play but it was in the low 50's and rainy. the kids handled the car ride very well, but wondered if we were actually heading somewhere. they didn't understand the just driving around idea. that is something i love to do though, so someday, they'll get it. as soon as gas prices drop a little!

after driving around we made a stop at DQ for dessert. these kids really enjoy ice cream, especially the oldest. she polished hers off quickly and then moved on to her brothers. i guess if there are days she won't eat anything, we know what we can give her. there was a cavs game on while we were there so josh was teaching the kids to yell, "go cavs!" they were having a blast. we then met up with their foster mom and parted ways after chit-chatting and playing for a little while.

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visit number 6 was actually our first overnight visit. we picked the kids up on friday night around 6pm. once we got home we headed to the park to play. they loved swinging and sliding on the slides and riding on the teeter toter. i think they could play at the park forever. that will come in handy on days there is nothing to do.

after the park we went home and cleaned up and got in jammies. next it was time for a snack. we gathered around the table and had milk and graham crackers. and after our snack, we piled on the couch to have a little talk about becoming a family. we explained to the kids that there are lots of people who love them and want good things for them. and that these people think they should have a mommy and daddy who can love and care for them. we explained how we don't have any kids but that we really want to and that we'd like to be the mommy and daddy who get to take care of them and have them live at our house. the oldest is the only one who has the slightest idea of what's going and she just smiled, said okay, and started playing with some toys.

due to their ages, we weren't expecting much out of the conversation, but they didn't start crying and screaming so i guess we got somewhere. the most important thing to josh and i is that we opened the door for the family/mommy and daddy conversation to take place. the kids can now at least think about it and start to understand who we are and why we are involved in their lives.

after play time, it was bed time. we filed upstairs to brush teeth. the kids all did really well with this. then we filed in their bedrooms to get some much needed sleep. our daughter went down just fine. she's in love with her new room and her lamp on her nightstand. she thinks it's just the neatest thing to have a little lamp that's all hers. the boys on the other hand, weren't so easy to put down. they were scared of their new room, these strangers putting them to bed, etc. this was understandable and it made me sad. as their mother, i didn't want them to be scared. josh and i split the boys up and each consoled one. it took about 20-25 minutes to get them to sleep, but it finally happened. i finished up some laundry and then we climbed in bed. we were exhausted!

i had a hard time getting to sleep. the monitor was right by my head and every time the kids turned over, or breathed heavily, i wondered if they'd wake up. one of them finally did, at 1:45am. the baby had lost his paci and i went in to find it for him. i did so quickly and once it was replaced in his mouth, he was quiet, but as soon as i turned to leave, he started crying. i scooped him up, hoping he wouldn't wake the other two, and i stood by his crib and rocked him in my arms. he fell asleep and i went to lay him back down. he woke up and started crying again. i went through the same routine one more time and then josh stepped in. he carried him downstairs and they sat on the couch. our poor little guy was wide awake at this point and it took about a half an hour to get him back to sleep. and as soon as josh came up the stairs, he woke up again.

josh brought him into our room and held him on our bed. i changed his diaper which was pretty wet. josh got him to fall asleep again, until he tried to lay him in his crib. then i got another turn and i too held him on our bed. i finally got him to start to fall asleep again and when i went to lay him down in his crib, he started to cry, but i just stood next to the crib and rubbed his head and he fell asleep in a few minutes. it was now 3:15am. we were very tired, but during this whole time, josh and i were having huge mommy and daddy moments. we were both really connecting to our little guy, providing him with the security and love he needed to feel from us. and we were connecting with eachother. we needed no words other than 'i love you' and we said it over and over again.

morning came quickly. the boys woke up around 7:30am. josh sat on the couch with them and i jumped in the shower. we woke our daughter up around 8:15am. i think she could have slept much longer, but breakfast was ready and we didn't want her to miss out on eating with the rest of the family.

after breakfast, josh took a shower, we all got dressed for the day and played with some toys inside. then we headed out to the yard to play ball. right then our great friends jeff and heidi arrived from columbus. the kids were very excited to meet them, and jeff and heidi were very excited to meet the kids. we spent most of the day playing outside. we all ate lunch together and the boys took a nap. after nap time we went to the park again. a huge hit with the kiddos! then it was time for them to go back to their foster home.

on our way back, jeff said, "well, you've got yourselves a volleyball player, a soccer player, and a football player." our daughter replied, "i'll just be a princess." i guess girls are just born that way!

we have another visit scheduled for tonight. and another overnight visit scheduled for this weekend. again, we'll let you know how things go!

i've been tagged, our third and fourth visits, and i've found some pretty cool random stuff while cleaning out the kids bedrooms

that's likely the longest blog title ever. it matches my posts that tend to be too long. unless you really care about what's happening in our lives, then you could probably read more.

so i've been tagged. first time. thanks stephanie. i hope i get this right. i am supposed to list six weird things about me. some of you who know me well might be saying, "only six?". sorry folks. this is just a sampling.

1. i am adopting three children at once. that's not wierd to me, but i think some people think it makes me totally crazy. it is a bit overwhelming, but hey, why not jump in all the way all right off the bat.

2. i have to eat things in even numbers. this isn't everything, but little things, like m&m's, skittles, raisins, cheerios, etc. if someone gives me three m&m's, i'll put all three in my mouth, put one on one side of my mouth, one on the other side, and then split the third one to give each side one and a half. i also prefer to have an even number of colors. if you give me a green m&m and a red m&m you'll think you did it right because you gave me the even number of two. but now my colors are off so i have to split each color in two so each side of my mouth has half green and half red. weird or obsessive, not sure which.

3. i sometimes hold my arm up in the air in the middle of the night and stroke it gently. josh has caught me doing this multiple times and it totally cracks him up. sometimes one of us will catch my arm on it's way up and then we'll push it back down before i have the chance to get started. i don't think i have rubbed my arm in awhile, but since i am sleeping, i am not sure.

4. i am slightly obsessed with sara groves music. i have seen her 5 or 6 times within the past couple of years. if she's anywhere within a couple hundred mile radius, i'll likely be there. every single song she has out, has something to do with some part of my life. i swear, it's true. and a few of her songs have helped guide me through our infertility/adoption journey.

5. i am literally obsessed with 6/23. that's the day i was born. and for years i would randomly look at the clock and see 6:23. it happened so frequently and i always made a fuss over it and it started to drive people crazy. i think the fact that i used to do that still drives my husband crazy. poor guy. could be worse i guess. i could have some crazy even number/even color food obsession. oh wait, i do!

6. sometimes when my breath is stinky, josh will say, "how about if you have a piece of gum?" sometimes i'll say, "no." then josh will say, "how about if i get you some mints?" then i'll say, "i don't want any mints, i just won't talk at you."

so now i have to tag people? hmmmm...will anyone i tag actually do this? i guess i'll just have to try.

1. josh-my husband
2. derrak and melanie
3. jeff and amanda
4. becks and lee
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we had our third visit with our children on tuesday night. i feel horrible that i haven't written about it. sorry! it went very well, even though it made me very tired!

we picked the kids up a little after 5:30pm to take them to dinner/supper. we call it dinner, they call it supper. they were excited to see us and excited to ride in our van. we filed out to the van with the baby crying. he doesn't like being away from foster mom. at least not at first. once i opened his door and started putting him in his car seat, he was fine. he was even smiling. josh climbed in the back of the van with the other two kids and helped them get buckled in. what a great dad. i didn't even have to ask him to do that!

off we went into a their little town. there are only 3 or 4 restaurants. all mom and pop family diner type places. we picked one and went in. josh rounded up three boosters and we took our places. the food took a little longer to arrive than we would have liked, but we managed. the kids colored on their placemats with a couple of pens from my purse. the pens didn't survive, but the kids were happy.

all three kids ate well and behaved well. after dinner we went to a park to play. the two oldest, who are very mobile, we all over the place! they tried 3 different slides. almost 4, but one was too high. they rode the teeter toter, the merry-go-round, went swinging on the swings. we were out for a total of three hours and we were all pretty tired.

back at the foster home we read a couple of adoption stories the foster mom had gotten from the library. she had started reading some of them with the kids so they could start to get an idea about what adoption is. the oldest one is likely the only one who will kind of understand at this point, but it's good to plant the seed.

josh and i headed home, going straight to bed. we were exhausted! i didn't think i would have been that tired, after all, this is what i do for a living! but, i have been working at my nanny job for almost three years and in know how everything works with those kids. with my kids though, everything is new.

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we had our fourth visit with our kids on saturday. this was our first all day visit and actually, a whole day of firsts. we picked the kids up at 11am and brought them to our house. bringing them to our house this first time was just to let them see it and spend a little time in it so they can begin to get comfortable here. we came in and looked around and met the dog. the dog didn't go over too well with the two youngest kids. they cried, alot! so we kept her outside most of the time, but we'll keep trying with her and them. we would give her up if we absolutely have to, but we don't really want to. and, we aren't sure it's so healthy to have a fear of dogs when you haven't really been around them ever. so we'll see what happens. we ate lunch together and played a game before we left. then we were off to my parents house and josh's parents house.

everything went really with both families. the kids were shy at first, same as they were with us and that is to be expected. they adjusted quickly to their new surroundings and all of the new faces. all of our siblings got to meet the kids, except my sister who lives in NM and is 8 1/2 months pregnant. she'll be home in august with her husband and baby, and the kids will get to meet her then.

we had pie and ice cream at my parents house to celebrate my dad's birthday which was thursday. this was the first time in 35 years he didn't hear 'happy birthday dear dad', but instead heard 'happy birthday dear papa'. it was very sweet and i think very special for all of us. at josh's parents we ate dinner together, pizza and chips.

we had the kids back to their foster home by 9. we were all very tired! we have put them in their jammies for the ride down so they'd be ready for bed already. they had a snack, brushed their teeth, went potty, etc. and were off to bed.

the day went so well, the kids got along great with everyone. josh and i thouroughly enjoyed ourselves and while we could agree we are crazy for taking this all on, we wouldn't have it any other way.

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we visit with the kids again tonight. another time to eat out and just hang out. the more used to us they get the better. and then friday night they are sleeping over for the first time. three little babies in my house! sleeping! we can't wait to have them here for an overnight and though we'll really enjoy playing with them, eating with them, watching cartoons with them, etc, it will be neat to see them sleeping here, in their rooms, in their beds, in our house. i imagine the tears for josh and i will be flowing plentifully when we crawl into our bed!

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and now i leave you with this. i discovered it years ago and still have it on the original piece of paper i wrote it on. then i re-discovered it the other night while cleaning out my random stuff from our daughters room. it makes my heart smile.

"each lifetime is the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
for some there are more pieces,
for others the puzzle is more difficult to assemble.
some seem to be born with a nearly completed puzzle,
and so it goes.
soul's going this way and that trying to assemble the myriad parts.

but know this.
no one has within themselves all the pieces to their puzzle.
everyone carries with them at least one and probably many pieces to someone else's puzzle.
sometimes they know it.
sometimes they don't.

and when you present your piece which is worthless to you,
to another, whether you know it or not,
whether they know it or not,
you are a messenger from the Most High."
--rabbi lawrence kushner

in need of wisdom

please pray for us! we have a long list of things to be praying about. becoming mom and dad, becoming a family, me being home fulltime, getting our house ready, the adjustment of the children to all that will going on, their alleged fear of dogs and the fact that we have one, etc. all that aside, we need wisdom.

over the next couple of visits with the kids, tonight and saturday, we will begin talking about the idea of us becoming a family and the kids coming to live in our home. i think i know what to say, but do i? we are taking them from all they have known for the past year of their lives and that's pretty much all they remember. most things before that are probably just a big blur.

i am sure some of you are saying "don't worry about it, they'll be fine. look at all you're doing for them. giving them the gift of a forever family, a nice home, a ride in a cool mini-van, a better chance at having a good life, and a really funny daddy." i understand that thought pattern, and i agree. but also for me, they are the gift.

they are giving me a better chance at a good life. they are giving me a forever family. they will make our nice home even better. now i'll have little ones to tote here and there in my cool van.

they are giving me the chance to become a mom.

and as their mom i don't want them to be scared when they visit my house and spend the night the first time. i don't want them to be confused about why their whole world has been changed. i don't want them to be sad that they have been taken away from everything they know to be safe and secure.

i have seen many children go through this transition and they have all managed just fine. but that doesn't take away the little heartache i feel over such little people going through such big changes. we'll make it through, i know that. i believe it 100%. but, we still need some extra wisdom. please pray that God will give us the right words, the perfect amount of hugs and kisses, and enough love to make it through.

He Is Risen! and...another visit

happy Easter to all!

is it appropriate to write about the Resurrection and our second visit with our kids in the same post? i believe it is. i am celebrating the Resurrection of His life and the new life that it gives me. so, here goes.

in Christ alone

in Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

this Cornerstone, this solid ground

firm through the fiercest drought and storm

what heights of love, what depths of peace

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease

my Comforter, my All in All

here in the love of Christ i stand

in Christ alone, who took on flesh

fullness of God in helpless babe

this gift of love and righteousness

scorned by the ones He came to save

‘til on that cross as Jesus died

the wrath of God was satisfied

for every sin on Him was laid

here in the death of Christ i live

there in the ground His body lay

light of the world by darkness slain

then bursting forth in glorious day

up from the grave He rose again

and as He stands in victory

sin’s curse has lost its grip on me

for i am His and He is mine

bought with the precious blood of Christ

no guilt in life, no fear in death

this is the power of Christ in me

from life’s first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

no power of hell, no scheme of man

can ever pluck me from His hand

‘til He returns or calls me home

here in the power of Christ i’ll stand

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we had a great second visit with our children yesterday. the ride down was filled with a different kind of anticipation. this time we wondered if they would remember us, if they would be happy to see us. the ride down also felt different because we rode down in this.



i am officially a mini-van mama. we found it last monday night at don sitts. a 2003 mazda MPV. only 20,000 miles. you can't beat that! well, maybe you can, but we didn't have months to figure that out. josh worked on the financing throughout the week. we signed the papers saturday morning. came home, grabbed a snack, and headed out to see the kids.

when we arrived at the foster home, the kids were looking out the window for us. we waved. they waved back. "do you think that means they remember us?" i asked josh. we went to the door. it was open so we went in. there they were. two little smiling faces(child #3 was getting a diaper change). they said hi. they rememberd us! we were thrilled. we gave hugs and talked about what we were going to do for the day. an Easter egg hunt!

we all piled in the foster mom's minivan and made our way to their church. it's about 40 minutes from the foster home. yes, that's a 50 minute drive down for us. then another 40 minutes to church. i rode in the front with foster mom so we could talk about our plan for future visits and so i could ask more questions about the kids. josh rode in the middle next to the baby. he found a story in the car, how many sheep, and read it to the kids. it was so cute. and so neat that he did it on his own. he already knows so many of those dad things to do.

when we arrived at their church, we weren't surprised to see that it's much smaller than our church, the chapel. it's in amish country, right down the street from the amish door restaurant & inn. the church property holds a swing set for the kids and a cemetary for church members who have passed on.

we got to take a little tour of the church. we saw the sanctuary, the kitchen, the fellowship hall, the nursery, and the kids classrooms. the kids were very excited to show us where they have Sunday school. we got to meet their teachers, the pastor, and many other members. most of them are very involved with our kids and are very thankful that a permanent home has been found for them. some of them thanked us for what we are doing. we are thankful they have been in church. and, that they have had so many people in their lives who love them and have been praying for them.

the egg hunt started with the reading of a children's book about the real meaning of Easter, the Resurrection of Jesus. all of the kids gathered around in the grass, holding their Easter baskets, anxiously listening and waiting for the hunt to begin. after the story, josh helped our daughter and i helped our middle son look for hidden eggs. they only found a couple each, but they were so excited anyway. some of the older kids found too many eggs so they shared with ours and the other younger children.

after the hunt, there was time for cookies and punch. our middle son got ahold of a chocolate, chocolate chip cookie and he had it all over his face, hands, and clothes. he really enjoyed it. josh, again just knowing the daddy things to do, grabbed a napkin to wipe him up a little. we enjoyed playing on the swingset in the yard of the church. the two oldest kids were both a little afraid of the slide. josh helped them out and after the first run down, they were fine on their own.

on our way back to the foster home, the kids foster mom put on a scooby doo dvd. yes, they have a dvd player in their mini-van. no, we do not. we are enough entertainment on our own. aren't we? we have decided no on the built in dvd player because we can just take josh's laptop with us for vacation, etc. so, the kids are watching scooby doo. josh included. the middle one fell asleep and josh and the baby held hands and played little games. it was so precious.

back at the foster home, we spent sometime playing outside. they have a nice swing set and playhouse. we played kitchen and mcdonald's drive thru. we rolled a ball and kicked a ball. we did some swinging and dandelion picking. we played with bubbles, blew them and chased them around.

we had been with the kids for a little more than four hours. we made plans to get together again this week. when we were leaving, the kids were saying they wanted us to come back tomorrow , which would be today. we explained we couldn't, but we'd be back in a few days, and they'd say, "okay, see you tomorrow." they were being very silly! and we were glad they wanted to see us so soon. we would have loved to have seen them today, but now we have a few days to spend really looking forward to our visit this week. we'll update you on how that goes.

Good Friday

the wonderful cross

when i survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died
my richest gain i count but loss
and pour contempt on all my pride

see from His head, His hands, His feet
sorrow and love flow mingled down
did ever such love and sorrow meet
or thorns compose so rich a crown

oh the wonderful cross, oh the wonderful cross
bids me come and die and find that i may truly live
oh the wonderful cross, oh the wonderful cross
all who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name

were the whole realm of nature mine
that were an offering far too small
love so amazing, so divine
demands my soul, my life, my all

love so amazing, so divine
demands my soul, my life, my all

permanent custody...

was granted today. the kids now belong 100% to the state. they are legally free for adoption. can you believe it? two days after we met them.

getting permanent custody is perhaps the biggest hurdle we have had to jump. the judge could have decided to give their parents more time to try to regain custody, but he didn't. he knew they needed and very much deserved to have a family who could care for them the right way.
the parents still have the chance to appeal, but they likely won't. and if they did, the judge likely wouldn't reverse his decision.

things are going to move quickly from here on out. we'll visit the kids again this saturday and then add weekday visits too. they'll have a couple of weekend overnight visits and then move in. it still seems pretty unbelievable.

we put the pictures we took on saturday on a dvd with music. i watched it a few times today and i cried every time. i asked josh if there would be a day when i wouldn't cry. i hope there isn't. i hope every time i watch the images of the first time we met them, that i am still moved to tears.

things are also starting to come together in terms of what we'll need to bring them home. people are offering cribs, high chairs, playpens, booster seats, etc. we found a minivan we like that will hopefully become ours sometime this week.

i am still in awe of God's goodness in all of this. His hand can be seen and felt so clearly.

i am excited to share with you all that takes place over the next few weeks. i have a feeling it's going to go so fast. from two of us to five of us, plus one dog. i can't think of a more perfect way to build our family.

the luckiest

"and where was i before the day
that i first saw
your lovely face
now i see it everyday
and i know

that i am, i am

the luckiest"
ben folds

we went to meet our children yesterday. well, they aren't officially ours yet, but we are really hoping and praying that they become our children. we drove to their foster home. it's about an hour away from our home. and, it's in the middle of nowhere. i am not complaining about that. i can't. some people travel half way around the world to meet their children!

the ride down is hard to describe. josh attempted a couple of times to pray out loud for us, but the emotion of it was overwhelming to me. i didn't want to show up at the door with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. i had been praying in my head. and i knew so many of you were praying too. thank you for that. we could feel it. the whole day felt covered.

so the drive was filled with much anticipation, but no expectation. we didn't know what to expect. we had seen a picture of the children. but, it was a black and white photocopy, and the kids are biracial so it was hard to tell what they looked like.

we also had no idea how they'd react to us. we went just as people who are coming over to play for awhile, not as maybe 'mom' and 'dad'. we were just josh and kirsten, wanting to get to know them a little and have fun.

when we got there and pulled in the driveway, josh said he could see little faces looking out the window. we smiled at each other and asked one another if we were ready to do this. we were. without a doubt. we made our way to the door and we could hear little voices waiting behind it. the tears started to come. the door opened and there they were. three little faces. well, at first we could only see two because the middle one was hiding behind foster mom. but, there they were. and they were gorgeous. they are just gorgeous.

they were shy at first, not wanting to say hi or talk to us at all. foster mom was really great, encouraged them to get some toys out to show us. that opened a window for us to begin to interact with them. within five minutes of being there, we were playing and giggling. we started taking some pictures and boy did they love being in front of the camera.

we were playing with a barnyard set. they were being silly pretending the rooster was a cow and that the sheep said moo. then they were saying the baby, who is a boy, was a girl. i asked them what i am and the oldest one, the girl, said i was a boy. we laughed. i asked her again. again she said i was a boy. i giggled and told her i was a girl. she said, "no, you a mother." it didn't really hit me then, but josh mentioned it on the way home and it blew me away.

we talked about toys they like, what they do at Sunday school, what shows and songs they like. we saw their bedroom. we looked at a photo album their foster mom had put together. various pictures of holidays and church activities and birthday parties. it was neat to get a glimpse into the past year of their life.

foster mom shared with me what foods they like, what their napping schedule is. when they go to bed, when they wake up. she told me how they do at the doctors and in the car. how she bathes them and cares for their skin and hair.

the talking and giggling and playing soon turned into hugs and kisses and sitting on laps. at one point the middle child sat on my lap for at least 20 minutes straight. i didn't want him to feel like he had to stay there so i kept giving him opportunities to get up. but, he stayed. most of the time it just felt normal, but sometimes it would hit me, "i am holding you because you are going to be my son."

we continued to take pictures. it was so much fun to see their eyes light up each time we pulled out the camera. we have some of the cutest pictures of them being silly with josh. again, it all seemed so normal, and then it would hit me, "i am taking pictures of them with josh because he is going to their dad." it was amazing.

we were there for two hours. we could have stayed for ten. it seemed so surreal that i had to keep telling myself to drink it all in. this is what we had been waiting for for two and a half years. they were strangers yesterday when we arrived at 3pm, but as i held them and kissed them, it felt like i had known them forever. in the past i couldn't picture our home with three little children living in it and now i can't picture it without them here. it just fits, perfectly.

the plan is to go back next weekend. and in the meantime, we have bedrooms to set up, furniture to paint and rearrange, lots of kid and baby things to purchase. but most of all, i think we'll spend time being thankful. it is astounding to us that out of all the people in the world, God would choose us to parent these children. they are a huge gift and we have a huge responsibility ahead of us. we are so excited. and you know what, no longer scared. God is so good, we are filled with anticipation for all that is to come. so much anticipation that i really had a hard time sleeping last night. i couldn't get their faces out of my head. we are so blessed.

we are the luckiest.

ten guidelines from God

Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING: Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST: Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And al though My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME: Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE: Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don’t forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE: You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND: Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don’t ever forget......

in the shower, at the store

God seems to 'get' me in the strangest places sometimes. He is sneaky that way. or is He? i have a suspicion it's planned. He knows when i am vulnerable. He knows when i am going to be open to His speaking to me.

last night in the shower i was thinking about meeting the kids. still can't wrap my brain around it. i started to pray, thanking God for His faithfulness, for keeping us sane on this journey. i started to sing (surprise), "so You were in it after all...all of those moments i spent crying, when something inside of me was dying...You had a reason for those trials it seems i grew stronger every mile...so You were in it after all...taking the blows that i'd been given, mending the wounds that needed mending...You were with me when the sun was shining and You were still beside me when it rained...so You were in it after all." larnelle harris

i started to cry. He's been here the whole time. i have known that the whole time. but, to look back at the times i spent standing in the shower crying, saying, "God, what are You doing? why me? why us? where is the end? when do we get to see what's unfolding here?" to times like last night when i cry and say, "duh! You've been here, working Your magic like only You can do." He continues to amaze me.

this morning i went grocery shopping. it was very much needed. josh went a little last week, but only for things i needed for my sickness. seems like every day last week i needed something new. i went to marc's. i try to do most of our shopping there. if you have one near you, you should go. the prices are great!

standing in line, starting to place my items on the counter for check out, i started to cry. "i am going to be a mom," i thought. i tried really hard to fight back the tears. don't want to freak out the check out lady. a few managed to fall, but i wiped them away quickly. i wondered if it would be so bad if she saw me crying. i was crying for a good reason. i am sure it will happen again and maybe that time i'll be caught.

on the way home i was singing again, along with sara groves. her new album has a song called rewrite this tragedy. i sometimes think of the lives of our children as a tragedy. that sounds really bad. let me try to explain. they were born to people who would never be able to take care of them. people who aren't healthy physically or mentally. people who weren't taken care of and in turn, they have no idea how to take care of others. that's a tragedy.

God steps in (yes, He's really been there the whole time, knowing this tragedy was occurring) and it's time for Him to rewrite the tragedy. He cues us and uses us to begin the rewriting process. He takes away our ability to birth children. He puts adoption on our hearts. He teaches me how to care for more than one child at a time. He allows us to consider adopting more than one child at a time. He takes away what we had planned and implants His plan instead. so now...

"i'm here to re-write this tragedy

one line at a time

hold on, i'm changing all the scenery

it's okay we'll be fine

cause we know how this ends

we know there's a better story

there's a better story

of true love, of true grace

there's the hope of glory

and our first chance to be truly brave

it's the place we're going

when we can't stay where we are."

i am excited. i am scared. those seem to be the two words that best fit my emotions right now. oh yeah, and overwhelmed. but, i can't stay where i am. i have to move forward. i am continuing to step out in total faith. the story is still being written. the tragedy is still being mended. i need to play my part.

"many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

proverbs 19:21

meeting

we are going to meet the kids saturday afternoon.

words to describe how i feel?

i don't know.

none maybe?

i am speechless.

yes me, who never lacks something to say.

i feel speechless.

anyone who has adopted want to share about their first meeting with their child/children?

anyone have any words of advice/wisdom to share?

this journey started two and a half years ago.

the time is finally here.

wow, it's really happening!

i'll let you know how it goes.

"many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
proverbs 19:21

test results

i got a call from our kids social worker this morning.

me, "hello?"

social worker, "the results are in."

me, "already?"

social worker, "yes, they are all negative. all three kids are fine."

me, "oh my gosh, oh my gosh, they're okay. i can't believe it, i can't believe it. they are all okay."

social worker, "are you crying?"

me, "yes."

social worker, "me too."


the news is still new. i have a feeling it may take a couple of days for us to process it. the big question has been, "what will you do once you get the results? what if they are negative? what if they are positive?" our response has always been that we can't make a decision until we get the results. now we have them.

please keep praying.

we'll let you know our next step.

herpangina

i have been sick since monday morning, march 27th. i woke up at 5:45am, needing to leave the house at 6:30am to arrive at work at 7am. one boss had an early meeting and the other was on a business trip, hence the early hour. the alarm went off and as soon as i stepped out of bed, i felt like i was going to throw up. i told myself to just keep moving and it would go away. i honestly rarely feel good in the morning anyway. so i got in the shower, again feeling like i was going to throw up. i got out and sat on the floor in front of the toilet. this is the main reason to keep your toilet clean. for those of you who clean your toilet because you'd be embarrassed if your friends lifted the lid, you're wrong. you do it because you don't want to be staring into a stained, spotted, hairy toilet while waiting to vomit.

no vomit came so i got up and forced myself to get dressed, brush my hair, and start my makeup. again, feeling like i was going to vomit, i decided to take a break for a few minutes to rest on the couch. at 6:00am i sat down. at 6:03am i thought i should call my boss to say i was sick and couldn't come in, but instead i told myself i could make it if i just rested a few more minutes. at 6:15am, i got up and climbed up the stairs to the bathroom. i picked up the hairdryer and once again, felt like i was going to throw up. i started to cry and stumbled into our room. josh was sleeping. did i mention it was his first day of work at his new job? i wanted to be so cheery for him this day, so excited for his new job. instead, i was pukey and crying.
i called off work, feeling very guilty about it. yes, guilty, even though i was sick.

i fell asleep almost immediately. i slept for a good 15 minutes until josh's alarm started going off. i still felt like throwing up and now i felt feverish too. great, the flu. i went back to sleep while josh got ready for work. i woke up just in time to see him flipping through his ties. "you're wearing a tie today?", i said. "yeah. i thought it would be appropriate for my first day.", he said. "you hate ties.", i said. "don't wear a tie. put on a sweater and a button down." back to sleep i went, only to be awakened a few minutes later by the very urgent need to go to the bathroom. yes, diarrhea. i know it's gross but you need to know that to understand why i kicked my husband, who had just started brushing his teeth, out of the bathroom on his very important first day of work. he had to finish at the kitchen sink and i said goodbye to him with the bathroom door in between us.

after the bathroom i went back to bed. i slept all morning. tried to eat some saltine's, but only managed to get two down. tried to drink some juice, but felt like it was going to come right back out. josh came home for lunch. i was strewn all over the couch, looking very sick. i had a fever, 101.9. i slept almost all afternoon, eating two more crackers and drinking a tiny bit more juice. when josh came home from work, he was frustrated that i had not eaten more. nothing sounded good. he spoke very sternly to me, insisting that i eat something, anything. practicing for fatherhood?!? i ate a piece of toast. it tasted horrible. back to sleep.

tuesday morning(day off), i woke up to josh's cell phone alarm. he decided to sleep on the couch monday night, hoping for avoid catching whatever i had. i got up, let the dog out, and went right back to bed. i started to notice my teeth were really hurting. i went to the bathroom to check them out. my gums were really red and swollen. i flossed which absolutely killed. i brushed, which hurt more. then i realized i didn't brush my teeth monday. gross. could my gums be swollen and red just from one day of skipping brushing? i know i skipped sometimes in elementary school, especially at sleepovers, but i didn't remember the pain afterward. i spent some time during the day searching sypmtom checker sites online to find something that has the symptoms of fever and gum pain. i found nothing. josh forced me to eat another piece of toast. well, not really forced, more like begged. back to sleep. the rest of tuesday went like monday except my temperature went up to 102.9. wasn't too excited about that. i googled 'fever' and found that a temp of 104 means a trip to the hospital. didn't want to go there. i had some soup for dinner after josh said he wanted me to attempt to eat a whole meal. yes, in our house a bowl of ramen noodles is considered a meal. i promise that will change once children arrive. i took a bath, then went back to bed for the night.

wednesday morning(scheduled to work 8-7, called off again), josh's cell phone was the alarm. he spent another night on the couch. my mouth still hurts and i am noticing a little bump on my lip. i thought it was from a piece of dry skin i pulled off, but maybe not. hhhmmm. toast again for breakfast. this would be the life if i didn't have a fever and pain in my mouth. wednesday played out much like monday and tuesday except i had times during the day when i felt better. my temperature seemed to be dropping until late afternoon when it went back up to 100.9. yikes! i had never had a fever for three days in a row. and this mouth pain. i called my mother in law for advice. she thought going to the dr. thursday might not be a bad idea. i called my father and asked him to pray for me, he advised the dr. too. josh advised me going to the dr. on monday, but of course i had to be sick for three days first, and seek advice from his mom and my dad before i'd make a move. off to the shower, then back to bed.

thursday morning(not scheduled to work till 3, but i can't do it, called off again), i called the dr. the dr. wanted me to come in. i called the dentist too because my mouth thing is just weird and my throat is starting to hurt. they too thought it was weird. the dr. had an appt. open at 9:45am, the dentist at 10:30am. i ate half of a piece of apple cinnamon coffee cake and had some water. half a piece of coffeecake equals not much, but my mouth hurt too bad to keep eating. driving felt a little weird. my vision seemed very slightly impaired. maybe i shouldn't have been driving, but i did get there and back okay.

once i arrived at the drs. office, all of me didn't feel good. maybe i was nervous that there was something really wrong? who genuinely likes going to the dr. anyway? i perked up a little when i got weighed, being sick has knocked off a couple of pounds. the nurse did the usual blood pressure check, ear check, fever check. no fever anymore, though i felt like i had one.
the dr. came in and did a review of my symptoms. fever, no appetite, malaise, sore throat, mouth pain. oh yeah, and this odd spot on my lip that i thought was healing dry skin but now looks like some kind of sore. the dr. checked my throat, looked around inside my mouth. she said my throat looked red so we should do a strep test. strep? could that explain the painful gums? i don't think so.

the nurse swabbed my throat. the dr. came back in. "the strep test is negative. i think you have herpangina.", she said. "herpan what?", i said. "herpangina. don't worry, it's not related to herpes.", the dr. says. but it is gross, and it hurts, and i hope no one reading this ever gets it. for those of you who have never heard of it, here you go, courtesy of dr. greene.com. substitute 'kirsten' when you see 'children' or 'kids'.

Herpangina

Introduction:
A mouth filled with painful blisters.…This common infection can make kids miserable for the better part of a week.

What is it?
Herpangina is the name of a painful mouth infection, usually with a fever. Even though the name sounds like herpes, almost all of the many viruses that cause it are coxsackieviruses or other enteroviruses, not herpesvirus.

What are the symptoms?
This illness starts abruptly, usually with a fever. Often the fever is high (103 -104°F). Occasionally, children lose their sparkle (and appetite) a few hours before the fever begins. The mouth sores usually begin at the same time as the fever or shortly afterward. Children average about five blisters in the mouth. These blisters are surrounded by red rings and can occur in the back of the throat, on the roof of the mouth, on the tonsils, on the uvula, inside the cheeks, or on the tongue. The blisters may start as small red bumps and may go on to become ulcers after the blister stage. The illness usually lasts 3 to 6 days.Almost all children with herpangina have a decreased appetite. Other symptoms might include headache, backache, runny nose, drooling, vomiting, or diarrhea. Children first become ill 4 to 6 days after being exposed.

it's now monday evening, april 3rd. i am still suffering from some mild mouth pain and malaise. simple tasks make me tired. i changed the sheets on the bed today and broke out into a sweat.

i don't think i have ever been this sick before.

better news next time i post, i promise.